People Don’t Change.

It should be common knowledge. While people profess that they understand, their actions speak otherwise.

In most intimate relationships (marriage/long-term specifically),  there’s usually a member who is trying to change the other.  Sadly, ladies, it’s us most of the time!

I spent the first few years of my marriage trying desperately to change aspects of my husband. I thought I was supposed to make him perfect or “right.” I was young and didn’t know any better, so don’t fault me for it. There are certain things they can change like bad habits or other small things, if they wish to change them. You can’t usually correct personality traits or behavior that’s been programmed during their upbringing. They may even try for you, but they will slip back into their norm in a short amount of time.

So, whether you come to this realization by reading this or you’ve reached that point sometime before; what you have to do is  either get over it or move on.  It’s as simple as that. I got to that crossroads in my relationship. We were having the same fights over and over again. Our relationship was chaotic at best, and I thought it was done. I felt like my whole world was falling apart. I couldn’t even get him to spend a few minutes with me per day to work on things.  I couldn’t understand how he could say he loved me, but give up. Finally, I did leave. But I couldn’t see him in a negative light no matter how hard I tried. I realized he really did try to change, but he just couldn’t. Once I got that through my thick skull, I started to weigh everything. I considered…well since he can’t change, can I deal with him the way he is? I spent a few weeks away from him, before I came back. I missed him, and aside from that I realized that the flaws that he had were much easier to deal with  than I thought. When you hold their flaws up to other relationship problems (of your own past or of those around you), you might just see the answer right in front of your face. Either he’s worse or better than the others! I realized mine was much better than being with some abusive asshole! He took care of me (which is his own way of showing me he cared) and we were (and still are) best friends. From that point, our fights lessened because I started to be more understanding of who he was and why things went a certain way.

The biggest fight we had: that he didn’t spend enough time with me. How did we fix this? We didn’t. I do my own thing and he does his. He perceived me as being clingy because I was nagging him about it.

Me- “Why don’t you spend some time with me?”

What we mean- “Please take 5 minutes a day to let me know you care.”

What he hears- “I NEED YOU TO SPEND EVERY WAKING MINUTE CUDDLING WITH ME AND WATCHING CHICK FLICKS!”

Oh yes, that’s what he’s thinking when you say that. So you might want to be careful how you approach things like that. You might think you’re being subtle, but he’s thinking “My GOD, she never leaves me alone.”  My husband actually told me that he thought I wanted to spend 24 hours a day with him. I found that a bit insulting. Do you really want to be viewed that way? I started focusing more on hobbies, and now sometimes he actually comes to ME to spend time. It’s refreshing and it makes me feel more valued!

It isn’t the same fight with everyone, but it’s a common one. This is just an example to show you how different you look at things, and how the solution may seem to lie with him, but sometimes it doesn’t.

This also applies to other relationships in your life (family & friends), but only you can make the decision to deal or move on. It’s harder with family. For example, my father is a person that I don’t get along with. I don’t spend much time with him, but I keep in touch because he’s family.  However, I’m quicker to drop friends if they have certain personality issues that I don’t like.

Stop Dieting

Don’t go on a diet. (if you follow a fad diet, you will probably deprive yourself of the things you love to eat, and therefore FAIL, and then binge! Learn to treat yourself and learn MODERATION!)

You have to educate yourself on what’s healthy and what isn’t. You’re not stupid. (or maybe you are…I don’t know.) For the most part, you already have some basic knowledge on the subject, but here are a few, just in case:

You should eat more vegetables and fruit.

You shouldn’t eat too many carbs. (Use whole wheat pastas and breads when you do!)

Avoid fried foods.

Avoid  ALL SODAS. Do not fool yourself into thinking that diet sodas are good for you. Sodas in general are chemical crap that you should not put into your body. I recommend tea, juice, or water. (Personally I mostly drink sweet tea since I’m southern, but I use significantly less sugar than most people.)

Eat slower. Your stomach takes about 15-20 minutes to let you know that it’s full. So that “last bite” was way beyond what you should have actually eaten!

Stop thinking of exercise as a chore. I go for a nice walk with my headphones on and the rest of the world melts away for a short amount of time. It’s more like meditation. I’ve started thinking of it as “ME” time.

Find substitutes for the things you crave. If you have a sweet-tooth, try different types of fruits. If that doesn’t do the trick, try fat-free pudding or yogurt. If you still feel that’s not working, get yourself so sugar-free or fat-free candies to keep on you. Those aren’t exactly good for you, but it’ll help keep the cravings at bay. For the folks like me who love salty & sour, pickles are the obvious way to go. If you still can’t resist chips, then try some healthy alternatives like baked chips, fat-free pretzels,  or low-fat crackers.  Celery is loaded with natural salt. Make a whole tray of fresh veggies to dip in fat-free ranch. I’m salivating while writing this!

Stop ignoring your own bad habits. I groan to myself every time I’m at Subway and see someone choosing the healthiest sandwich on the menu and slathering it with mayo and cheese. Or I see someone get a salad and just DROWN it in ranch dressing with bacon and cheese on top. You know better, but that stuff tastes sooooooo good. I love mayo, cheese, and ranch as much as the next person but either find a low-fat or no-fat version or find an alternative. (My favorite sub is the roasted chicken on wheat, no cheese, all the veggies except the jalapeno & banana peppers, and a thin line of honey mustard. )

Don’t deprive yourself of your favorites. Yet again, I reiterate that you do NOT have to  stop eating the foods you love, but you have to use moderation and a little restraint. Treat yourself to a bit of chocolate now and then. Have a slice of pizza occasionally.  Just don’t do it daily!

I’m no food expert or doctor, but I truly believe these are things you should listen to NOT JUST TO LOSE WEIGHT, but to be healthy.

The Fairy-Tale Romance Myth

When I was a little girl, various forms of media bombarded me with the idea that someday I would grow up to get married and live happily ever after. Along the way, I got the real scoop.

My “Prince Charming” and I married a bit too young. We did the courthouse wedding (ie. no wedding at all.) I was bitter for many years about not having my “dream wedding”. Many girls get so hung up on the “dream wedding” that they don’t even care what schmuck they get stuck with as long as they have the debt-inducing, fairy-tale wedding. Let me tell you something right here and now; that wedding isn’t going to make the man live up to your fantasy. I gave up that ghost.  I found out that the wedding (and sometimes even the vows) mean very little.

No matter how many chick-flicks (or romantic comedies) you watch, you aren’t going to learn some magical way to make or meet the perfect man. Most men just don’t have the thought capacity for being romantic. They might be romantic while that “new-car smell” is still on the relationship, but it wears off eventually! He’s never going to sweep you off your feet. He’s never going to be your Richard Gere. (And hey, you’re no hooker, either.) He’s never going to live up to that standard. If you put that kind of expectation and pressure on ANY man, eventually it will drive them away. He might be a good one you’re letting get away because you are waiting for a man who doesn’t exist.

Don’t give up hope on love. I’ve been with the same man for *cough cough* years. We’ve grown up together. We may not have  much romance, but we have an overdose of friendship, respect, and love. Don’t underestimate those things.

The biggest word to remember is TOLERANCE. I’m sure you’ll see this word again in future posts, but it’s an important one! You have to find someone you can TOLERATE on a daily basis…for a lifetime. That sounds easy, but it isn’t! Those cute little annoying things he does aren’t going to be cute 10 years down the road.

You must be friends…and you must be open about whatever is bothering you. There’s no such thing as sharing TOO MUCH in a relationship. Tell him what you’re thinking and feeling; and encourage the same from him.

You must have at least SOME common interests, but you need to have time apart too. You both need alone time and friend time! Co-dependence never works out!

Don’t feel pressured (or do the pressuring) to get married. Take your time. Be sure that it’s right. It’s not “fate” you’re dealing with. It’s common sense.

If you stop looking for the fairy tale and start looking for the real thing; maybe you’ll be like me and find your contentment…instead of the non-existent “happily-ever-after”.