It should be common knowledge. While people profess that they understand, their actions speak otherwise.
In most intimate relationships (marriage/long-term specifically), there’s usually a member who is trying to change the other. Sadly, ladies, it’s us most of the time!
I spent the first few years of my marriage trying desperately to change aspects of my husband. I thought I was supposed to make him perfect or “right.” I was young and didn’t know any better, so don’t fault me for it. There are certain things they can change like bad habits or other small things, if they wish to change them. You can’t usually correct personality traits or behavior that’s been programmed during their upbringing. They may even try for you, but they will slip back into their norm in a short amount of time.
So, whether you come to this realization by reading this or you’ve reached that point sometime before; what you have to do is either get over it or move on. It’s as simple as that. I got to that crossroads in my relationship. We were having the same fights over and over again. Our relationship was chaotic at best, and I thought it was done. I felt like my whole world was falling apart. I couldn’t even get him to spend a few minutes with me per day to work on things. I couldn’t understand how he could say he loved me, but give up. Finally, I did leave. But I couldn’t see him in a negative light no matter how hard I tried. I realized he really did try to change, but he just couldn’t. Once I got that through my thick skull, I started to weigh everything. I considered…well since he can’t change, can I deal with him the way he is? I spent a few weeks away from him, before I came back. I missed him, and aside from that I realized that the flaws that he had were much easier to deal with than I thought. When you hold their flaws up to other relationship problems (of your own past or of those around you), you might just see the answer right in front of your face. Either he’s worse or better than the others! I realized mine was much better than being with some abusive asshole! He took care of me (which is his own way of showing me he cared) and we were (and still are) best friends. From that point, our fights lessened because I started to be more understanding of who he was and why things went a certain way.
The biggest fight we had: that he didn’t spend enough time with me. How did we fix this? We didn’t. I do my own thing and he does his. He perceived me as being clingy because I was nagging him about it.
Me- “Why don’t you spend some time with me?”
What we mean- “Please take 5 minutes a day to let me know you care.”
What he hears- “I NEED YOU TO SPEND EVERY WAKING MINUTE CUDDLING WITH ME AND WATCHING CHICK FLICKS!”
Oh yes, that’s what he’s thinking when you say that. So you might want to be careful how you approach things like that. You might think you’re being subtle, but he’s thinking “My GOD, she never leaves me alone.” My husband actually told me that he thought I wanted to spend 24 hours a day with him. I found that a bit insulting. Do you really want to be viewed that way? I started focusing more on hobbies, and now sometimes he actually comes to ME to spend time. It’s refreshing and it makes me feel more valued!
It isn’t the same fight with everyone, but it’s a common one. This is just an example to show you how different you look at things, and how the solution may seem to lie with him, but sometimes it doesn’t.
This also applies to other relationships in your life (family & friends), but only you can make the decision to deal or move on. It’s harder with family. For example, my father is a person that I don’t get along with. I don’t spend much time with him, but I keep in touch because he’s family. However, I’m quicker to drop friends if they have certain personality issues that I don’t like.
